I've been pondering pregnancy and childbirth. All the discomforts and difficulties that go along with it, the extra weight which affects balance, clothing fit, walking gait, bending ability, sleeping comfort and the sleepless nights, the shortness of breath, painful jabs, dry itchy skin, extreme hormonal shifts, etc. I didn't know any better with my first pregnancy, it was all new to me. After having my other kids though, I can always tell myself that even the worst of days are worth it to have a warm wiggling newborn in my arms at the end. To be able to watch that child open his or her eyes, smile for the first time, suck on a fist or finger, roll over, crawl and eventually walk. To have my child's lovingly crafted artwork displayed proudly where I can see it.
It's not quite the same with this pregnancy. I will have a warm newborn placed into my arms, yes, but that child will stop breathing and will soon turn cold. Within days I will bury my child never to be seen again in my lifetime. So why do it? Why grow larger every day, more tired, more out of breath, more sad to face such a devastating conclusion? For me, it's the chance to give my child life. My husband and I alone chose to bring this baby to fruition and giving any child life requires sacrifice, this child deserves no less. It breaks my heart to think about baby playing in my belly not knowing that he or she should be kept afloat in water, not knowing how deprived of space he or she is. The baby is just doing what nature intended, preparing itself for birth, to join its family, and there is no way for me to let him or her know that meeting will be much shorter than it should be. Blissfully, baby is enveloped in my warm belly where I can keep him or her safe as long as possible and allow baby to grow and change just like my other children did. He or she will join our family by c-section as all of his or her brothers or sisters did and will be greeted by my husband and I first. There will be tears and laughter just as there has always been. This is the answer to my question.