Yet Another Thing I Thought I'd Never Say

We got our son's autopsy results today. I am so very thankful I was not alone at that appointment. Eli's chromosomes were 100% normal, just like Wyatt's. Eli was missing both kidneys and his bladder but other than that was completely NORMAL. While we did not have an autopsy for Wyatt that is exactly his diagnosis via multiple ultrasounds. So, we have answers and yet we don't have the most important answers. Why did this happen to us twice? Why both of our sons? As I've always feared, I don't believe we will ever have these answers. Lucky for me, I cannot recall the last time I let fear keep me from pursuing my passion. Lucky for us, my husband is as steely as I am. We still have a few lines in the water as we have not heard from the geneticist yet and it sounds like she may have pursued additional testing which may/may not yield some answers. I won't be holding my breath.

All this Talk about Death

It is the big pink elephant in the room and there is no ignoring it.  Death hangs over me, but not really, me like a bloated raincloud.  My last OB appointment revolved around it.  No happy fundal measurements to see how much the baby had grown, because this was my first fundal measurement due to the lack of fluid.  No jokes about the holidays and pregnancy weight gain.  Talk of studies, autopsy, funeral, testing.  The hearty, meaty stuff that is really chewy and leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you finally swallow it down.  I do know that I will deliver baby early, probably around the time I delivered Wyatt.  I also know that my doctor has hope that my uterus will be able to sustain another pregnancy and that means the world to me.