When the Hammer Falls Either Run or Duck

I recently wrote about running my first 10k under extremely challenging weather conditions.  The physical and mental strength and stamina I needed to run for one hour under those circumstances were significant to say the least.  It didn't occur to me until I put that into written words how my life and personal circumstances fits into that same mindset right now.

I took on a new and very demanding volunteer opportunity at the end of last spring.  Since then I've given it my all at the expense of my mental well being and so much time with my family.  It is a good cause and one I would not continue with if I didn't strongly believe in its worth.  Regardless it's taking a toll.  I feel like it's just one catastrophe to the next and since I am the leader I end up having to clean up all the messes while trying to balance spinning plates on my head and both hands and sometimes a knee as well.   I would never cut it in the circus.  Too many broken plates.

Power of a written word is amazing.  Day after day I feel like throwing in the towel, or rather, just taking all of these plates that I'm spinning and chucking them as hard as I possibly can into a brick wall.  The satisfaction of seeing them shatter would be worth it.  At least that's what I tell myself.  For a few minutes or maybe even an hour that much would be true.  But then I starting thinking about that 10k.  It was a painful experience but the feelings that hit me when I crossed that finish line were so worth it.  As an aside, it's awfully creepy to finish a 10k not anywhere near last place and have no one but the timer at the finish line and he was sitting in a pickup truck.  Told you the weather was Bad that day!

I finished.  I persevered and no one can take that away from me.  I built a little bit onto myself that day.  I pushed myself farther than I thought I could go.  Better yet, I didn't push myself to the brink which means I have even more to give.  Afterwards I was very cold and very wet but I felt good.   I placed better than expected but in all honesty very few people actually ran the race and I was just slightly off my goal time which was awesome considering how freaking windy it was that day and that I ran the last three miles straight into that 45mph wind.  My volunteer position goes until the end of this spring which leaves me with many more months and probably many more catastrophes.  A year is a lot longer than an hour to spend under that kind of stress.  But in reality I've been through much worse.  I've carried two pregnancies that ended with me leaving a hospital without my son and at the cemetery so I just don't think this can compare to that in terms of badness.  Not much can.  Now that I've put a little more perspective in this situation I just need to keep telling myself I've been through worse and I can get through this too.  In fact, I may even feel good when it's over.  I can hope, right?

Still Running

Last year around this time I wrote this about running.  I had started running again post-Eli for many reasons.  To boost my mood with endorphins and to lose my pregnancy weight as quickly as possible, it also gave me a breather (so to speak) from my life for just a brief while.  Just a few weeks ago I began running again.  For anyone who is a Fringe fan (tv show) you will get this reference, but it seems like I'm on a parallel timeline.  Things are the same yet different.  The people are the same but the circumstances and outcomes are shifted.  This time I really run for one reason which is absurd in a way.  I am running to get back there, to where I was a year ago.  Not emotionally, mind you, physically.  Running last year made me strong, inside and out.  My body toned up as much as it could after having five children via five c-sections.  Add one more and again I find myself in need of strength and stamina.  My physical efforts via the Shred and running last summer brought me into this pregnancy mentally and physically strong.  So much so that I ran a 5k and finished a personal best while eight weeks pregnant!  I continued easy running and jogging into my fifth month when I switched to walking and pilates for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I missed running.  Especially the three days a week when I watched my husband close the door and head out for his morning run.  It really smarted for the six weeks after having this precious baby to not be able to do any physical exercise but walking.  I could not have been more ready for the six week mark.  For me the outer physique and inner physique go hand in hand.  When my body is strong my mind feels stronger.  So I still run.  It's not as fun or as easy as I remember but the sense of accomplishment after each mile completed is definitely as profound and rewarding.  This is just one of Eli's gifts to me.  He taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined, even after finding life again after losing Wyatt.  Perhaps I'm trying to get closer to him, who knows,  so I'm still running. . .

Pushing

I could not resist this post title as a woman who has had five kids yet has never pushed one out on her own...

In this case I am referring to limits or boundaries. One of my supreme flaws is a consistent ignorance of limitations. This, to an extent, makes my husband and I a perfect match. He is the one who will walk right up to the line and say, "This line? Watch me." as he walks across. Me, I'm the one who blows past the line without a second thought. I know exactly where it is. So there it is, we're both line crossers.

My recent fitness kick got me thinking about this. I have been running since our second daughter was born. My baby weight and then some just dripped off after I had her and started running. Only now do I realize how far I have come and how much farther there is. Ergo, the pushing. I started out pushing myself to run two miles outside in the morning which is something I had been doing pretty consistently on my treadmill in the afternoons. It was difficult for me to make the adjustment between the times of day and different conditions (i.e., air conditioning with minimal humidity and dripping wet heat) but I did it. Then I pushed some more. So I went 2.25 miles, then 2.5, then 2.75, last weekend I did a leisurely 5k and today just for fun I added in some pretty serious hills. Just to prove I could do it. My life reflects this behavior. So often I see that line, the one between the easy and hard and I just blow right past. Over the years I have learned that contemplation is often more of a necessity rather than a suggestion and I have been known at times to only toe the line. In my case it took time for that change to occur. It is an interesting if not frustrating trait. As a pusher I also have perfectionistic traits which often lead to more pushing. The up side of this is a pretty fit physique at the moment and over the last many years I have become a very adept cook, baker, gardener and crocheter.

Someday soon I hope to cross another line, one whose boundary I have been toeing for some time, but that is for another day. Today I remain behind.

Fitting the Jeans

My latest greatest struggle. After having my 3rd child I lost about 20 pounds beyond my pregnancy weight. I chalk it up to breastfeeding, the introduction of fruits, veggies and portion control as well as running. The weight literally just melted off. I gained and lost my "normal" thirty pounds or so with my next pregnancy, our youngest daughter. With Eli I was careful with weight gain and exercise from the beginning. I exercised throughout the pregnancy, literally until the day before he was born. I gained a few pounds less than normal though he was a bit smaller than all of my other babies. Since I have not had a baby to tend to and have been sleeping through the night most nights I have had time to devote to my physical well being. And I have. I got on the treadmill for the first time the week Eli was born. Since then I have been walking, and now running, my butt off. Or so I had hoped. It's nowhere near off. I hit my weight loss plateau at about the two week mark and I could not be more frustrated (though in all fairness I can fit into more clothes than I did at two weeks). I'd been walking usually two miles or more a day until the six week mark and now I've been running at least 2 1/2 miles at a time, using the elliptical on other days and have added in weight training and yoga. I have also paid close attention to my nutrition and have adjusted my calorie intake post pregnancy. Not to mention I keep up with three girls under the age of 7 on a daily basis!

I understand I may be a little impatient and to be honest I have no real specific recollection of how long it took me to lose my pregnancy weight with each pregnancy. What is sticking in my head is that I lost all of my pregnancy weight but maybe two pounds after having Wyatt by the time I got pregnant with our oldest daughter less than four months later. Perhaps my expectations are too high and really they almost always are, but it's such a sore spot!

Our lives appear normal and for the most part they are. My husband goes to work every day, my daughter to school and I continue to hold down the home front with our youngest two. It's kind of like the old Sesame Street game about one of these things doesn't belong. The ten plus pounds or so that stand between me, my jeans and feeling good about how I look. They don't belong.

I am going to take a deep breath and head back downstairs to the treadmill. It just has to start making a difference, right?

And I Ran

Part of my six week checkup was hearing the words I have been waiting to hear for about six months - that I could run again. I stopped the day we received Eli's Potter's diagnosis. I had only been lightly jogging during my pregnancy to that point and it was devastating to think that I had been jostling Eli in my belly without fluid. I have missed it each day since. Funny since I used to tell people that the only time I would run is from a fire! Now I run. I run to stay fit, I run for endorphins, I run to think. It makes me feel good inside and out, strong and in control. I think the feeling of putting one foot in front of the other and repeating. A simple instruction for living each day - put one foot in front of the other and repeat.