Saturday morning I did not believe that I had really felt the baby move. I was prodding and poking and drinking and moving. Panic began to grow from deep within. I know that there is a very strong chance that my baby's heart will stop beating before birth but that is something I do not dwell on. I have a baby doppler and listened for baby's heartbeat which usually reassures me but that morning my mind was so frenzied that I could not believe the heartbeat I was hearing was not my own rushed beats. Finally, I lost it in the shower. My mind began preparations for a c-section and hospital stay. My next thought was pure rage, at God. After all I've been through, how could God deny me the opportunity to meet my child while living? Was I not owed that one little thing? The ability to see my child's eyes or hear his or her voice? Of course, I know there's no guarantee and that many many parents have suffered through the indignity of a silent birth and I should be no different. I just need to believe that I can make it through these next five weeks intact and that my baby will be okay.
Baby must have just been very sleepy, as was I, that morning. As I type this my belly is jiggling to and fro with baby's wiggly movements.