I've been reflecting on our life as is, before baby arrives. The question has come up more than once, "how do I make room for two?" If you will, Wyatt was our sacrificial lamb of sorts. He is the one we shed tears for, the one we think about always, the one we memorialize and have special memories and special celebrations. For me, I felt as if giving him up was the biggest sacrifice I would ever have to make, the hardest thing I should ever have to do in my life. That I had suffered more pain than one person should have to bear and that I'd somehow paid a debt and was now squared. The weeping willow picture on my blog page is from our backyard. We planted it shortly after Wyatt was born and planted the most delicate baby-like plants beneath it for him. I lovingly planted baby's breath, blue Jacob's Ladders, baby roses in all colors, lamb's ear because it's so soft to the touch and tiger lilies which outgrew my expectations but have refused to be relocated. Each year it blooms more beautifully than the year before, a constant reminder of our love for him. We have decorated it year by year by adding garden ornaments such as Eyeore, Precious Moments animals like a duck and turtle, a praying boy angel and gardening boy. We have special solar lights that we change with the seasons and holidays for him. There are spotlights to light up the tree at night.
What do we do now? Do I plant another tree and another memorial garden? Do I add plants to this garden in the baby's name? I'm sure that in time I will figure this out. For right now though it's quite perplexing how to fit this child into that world, how to make special room for him/her while acknowledging his or her individuality, not just our other child who passed away. Right now there is only that one special place in my heart, that huge gaping hole that stays pretty well closed up most of the time and weeps openly every year in June, every Christmas and at other random times and moments throughout the years when our living children hit milestones that remind me there was one before and I should have already experienced those moments with another.