May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Friday, January 7, 2011

Why carry a child that won't survive? Pt. 2

I've thought more about our decision.  I must admit that with Wyatt's pregnancy there was honestly no question as to whether I would continue the pregnancy.  This one, I paused.  My first thought was "how can I do this again?" knowing exactly what would happen and precisely how painful it was.   I was tempted to just make it all go away as quickly as possible.  But that was for my sake, for me.  Then, the mother in me kicked in.  Parents will go to the ends of the earth for their children, to ensure health, safety and happiness. This really isn't about me.  I can carry pregnancies and rather easily for the most part, other than that sticky baby dying after birth thing.  This could not be about me, it was about our child, a child conceived in love and a child that deserved my love and care without consideration for my own suffering, which really is only emotional.  I can do this and  I will just as I would give up any possible organ  if any of my girls needed it or camp out at a hospital bedside or even holding back their hair when they get sick.  I will give and give and give until I can give my child to the world and he or she can take it from there.  That's how it's supposed to be.  The only difference for us is instead of spending years raising our child to be a thoughtful, caring, responsible adult, we get to raise him or her for months to be an  almost full grown fetus who will enter the world as a beautiful baby and then leave shortly after.

Painful though this may be, I know firsthand that it is all worth it in the moments after the baby's birth.  All the worry, pain and fear temporarily disappear and melt into pure elation.  The excitement of seeing and holding your baby for the first time.  Touching baby's skin, inhaling baby's smell.  Absorbing every inch of baby's appearance from the color of hair to the shape of nose, skin tone, chubbiness will envelop all senses.  I will hold to this because I know it to be true, even on the worst of bad days.


  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes. I am currently carrying my frist baby, who was diagnosied at 20 weeks gestation with an 'incompatible with life' diagnosis. I am 25 weeks now, so still very much in the middle of my own journey carrying my son. Reading stories like yours is such an inspiration!

  2. Thank you for reading, Jenny, I am glad that it has been helpful to you. I will keep you in my thoughts as you carry your precious little boy.



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