As is probably obvious by last week's posts, there were many dark days. My head had sunk into oblivion and the waves of self-pity were tossing me to and fro. Somehow the weekend, one blissfully ordinary, lifted my spirits. I began to see the sun shining instead of the oppressive clouds hanging just overhead. Last week it was far too easy to focus on my own pain. To angrily lay blame on those that have done little or nothing for me. While I still believe these are valid complaints. I read other accounts from parents who have walked this path (expecting a baby that will not survive) who have received outpourings of support from family, friends and coworkers. I can say that I have not felt that outpouring. There were initial expressions of sympathy and offers of assistance, but no one has really "pushed the issue". I still cook all of our meals, grocery shop, wash all of our clothes, clean the house, help shovel the walk and care for my three children day in and day out. In all fairness, I'm sure if I asked someone to help, they would, but asking for help is not exactly my strong suit and never has been. I was miffed that it seems no one even cares enough to call and ask how we're doing or even send an email. Self-pity is such an easy emotion.
That was last week. This week my eyes are more open and less red, or smudgy black as it may be. My heart feels lighter. I feel more competent. My body feels better. Getting on the treadmill is easier, my legs even seem to move faster. And yesterday I received some wonderful news at the OB. I grew 4cm in 3 weeks which is I think awesome for any pregnancy, but especially one in which there is no amniotic fluid! I am still measuring at only 28cm and I am 32 weeks but this one little thing filled me with so much hope and strength. I also got confirmation that I appear to be right about baby's position - head is on my upper right stomach and feet curl down to the left so baby is breech, not that it matters since we will have a c-section anyway.
I also finished reading my latest library book, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It touched and inspired me, to be better than I am. It is a simply written book in parable style about a boy's search for treasure. It spoke to me about change and faith and love. The thing that sticks with me most is this quote, "When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person realize his dream." Often I allow myself lose sight of my dreams and desires, I become burdened by the material or unnecessary. I forget to begin each day anew as an opportunity to be better than the day before. I forget what is really important in life and that when I strive to be better, the world around me will be better too.