May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Envious of My Husband

After Wyatt's birth, we basked in the joy of becoming new parents and the wonders of our newborn son. I remember those feelings during my hospital stay. I was sad, but strangely peaceful about our son's brief life. I was thankful to have been given the opportunity to carry him and meet him and send him to the next place. Those feelings for me were very short-lived. As I've mentioned before, anger perhaps better categorized as rage took over.

But my husband somehow stayed in that beautiful state. Anger and sadness did not overwhelm him. There was no place for anger and sadness in the memories of his firstborn child. Eight years later I can say that they have never had a place for him. I wonder sometimes if the sadness he experienced wasn't more for me than for himself or our son. Sadness at watching my suffering and being unable to lift that burden off my shoulders.

Along the lines of yesterday's post, I aspire to be better and to do better this time. I have no one to be angry or bitter with and this time it will not just be my husband enduring my awful attitude, my children will suffer too. I think the death of their sibling will be suffering enough. I know grief is unpredictable and that it is best to let it be what it is. I will attempt to do that within reason. However, I also have the benefit of hindsight and I know with 100% certainty that I do not want to go back to "that place" and I do not want to be "that person" again. I must be better, I must do better and I can only hope that recognizing this ahead of time will be to my benefit, not my detriment. And hopefully that by doing so, I will make the world around me a little better too.

The thing that really kicks me about my husband sometimes is that he is not religious, not even a little bit. So, he hasn't found this internal peace by reading the Bible, or attending church services or being counseled by a religious figure. Religion, while it can be a wonderful thing, can also make one feel like a huge failure sometimes. He lives his life free from the burdens of what he should be like, yet, he is truly one of the most good people I have ever met. What I take away from him is that no one can make you the person you want to be, either good or bad. Faith, hope and love are wonderful things, but they must come from within. My husband has probably never heard or read this phrase, but in my eyes, this sums his grief for our children up completely. It is from 2 Samuel 12:23 I believe: "I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

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