Yesterday I had to take all 3 of my girls to the dentist. It was awful. As I've mentioned, I've been able to disguise my pregnancy well enough due to heavy winter clothing which has spared me the public's questions.
Until yesterday. Three different hygienists, receptionists, and the dentist. All making comments about how small I was and how I didn't look like I could be having a c-section in March. There were also alot of excited questions about gender and names and such, alot of jokes about girls since I had 3 in tow. While I wasn't completely blindsided, I was overwhelmed and just didn't know what to say. The comments about my size hit especially hard. I wanted to scream that I was small because I didn't have amniotic fluid and that my baby was going to die. Instead, I probably turned 20 shades of pale and put on the best smile I could muster and just shrugged my shoulders or said that we didn't know the gender and told them the date of the c-section. I didn't tell one person the truth. The real kicker was that the dentist was pregnant and due at the end of April and as any excited expecting mom she went on and on and on about doctors, names, gender, size, etc...it was beyond heartwrenching. I just couldn't bring myself to explain it to that many people that many times.
It was a sucker punch I never could have seen coming, especially the dentist's pregnancy, what a cruel twist of fate. Here she was, in my face, smiling and asking me questions which she had no reason not to ask. She was a perfect vision of what I should be like - excited, anticipatory, full of life and joy. Instead I am shrouded in death and sadness. I can barely bring myself to smile, forget excitement. I can only imagine what all these women thought about my reactions in retrospect, how unenthusiastic and short my responses were.
I cried all the way home, I cried when I got home and I cried last night and well, I'm crying again now.
I go to get my teeth cleaned on Valentine's Day and I have resolved to tell at least my hygienist about the baby, I hope I can do it.