May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wanting the End of the Road

I am having a really rough time.  Our household has been hit hard by viruses and illness and as a pregnant, grieving, stay at home mom, it is hitting me particularly hard.  I am doing the best to care for myself, but everyone else needs so much from me right now.  I don't sleep well at night and haven't for most of the pregnancy, but especially since the diagnosis.  I just toss and turn all night long and I'm so tired.  That, combined with my kids and husband coughing and sniffling all night as well as a babe within wriggling around, I am so exhausted.  Thankfully my body does finally get so tired it sleeps every few days so I can at least put together a little energy to get by.

With that said, I'm so very emotionally tired right now too.  I want this whole thing to be over with.  I love my baby with all my heart but my heart is breaking with every minute I have to wait for his or her arrival.  I just want it all to be over with as much as that pains me to say.  I am in such a bad place right now, I feel so used up and isolated.  So few people have to carry a child to term with a fatal diagnosis, why me, why twice?  It is what it is. That's what I've been telling myself to get by.  I know this too shall pass and I will keep going.

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