I don't recall many smaller details about my pregnancy with Wyatt, so I'm going to be a little indulgent with details this time. Within days of finding out we would lose this baby my hair started falling out. Not big clumps or scary amounts, but every time I washed my hair I would lose alot, I am single handedly contributing to a higher water bill because my shower times have increased for this very reason. Finally, six weeks later, it is slowing a bit. To give a bright side spin, I am lucky enough to have very thick hair so it is completely unnoticeable to others.
I have lost so much more than hair, and of all the losses, that is the easiest to replace. I have lost my innocence again. Something which was taken from me out of the blue during a time when I was most happy and expectant in my life. It took me over seven years to regain most of the innocence, the true enjoyment which should be present in all pregnant women. I have lost my identity as a pregnant woman. I don't want to be seen or acknowledged for the precious life that grows within because those things are often accompanied by difficult emotionally draining explanations or awkward avoidances of the truth and blinking back of tears. I have lost my identity as a mother. I have defined myself as the mother of a child in heaven and three on earth. Now I must make adjustments for one more in heaven. I had closed that door but apparently it was not locked. I have lost a wonderfully (for the most part) carefree and easy relationship with my husband. In its place is one that is strained by the shadows of grief, worry and death. It will need to be well tended in the months to come. It is so hard to care for a partner when each is grieving privately and in his/her own way. Seeing beyond your own pain is almost impossible some days. I have lost desire to face each day and to do more, to be more. Most days it is enough to be, to meet everyone's needs and call it good.
With loss there is gain. I have gained a perspective on the fragility of life and family. Of how very delicately we are intertwined.