Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Numbness of it All
This I suppose relates to the luxury of grief. I have felt disconnected from this baby/pregnancy pretty much all along and probably especially so since the Potter's diagnosis. My heart aches for this little one so badly. But I basically feel numb about the whole thing. I suppose it could be compartmentalization to preserve my sanity for the remainder of the pregnancy. A survival instinct perhaps. I don't dwell, I've found myself doing what needs to be done and for the most part just moving on. Oddly enough, this has probably improved my mothering to some extent since my emotions are numbed I am much slower to anger, slower to impatience, but sadly, likely also slower to smile and laugh. I am distracted and forgetful. I feel distanced from pretty much everyone around me. Like I am surrounded by a dark cloud wherever I go. It's hard to be fully present, my mind is always somewhere else. Even waking to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is a journey to intrusive and often upsetting thoughts. My children are children and it is difficult to keep up with changing behaviors. Of course, our youngest decided to potty train literally right when we found out about losing this baby. It was so hard to breathe sometimes, yet I found myself lingering under the constant threat of dirty underpants. (As an aside, she has done absolutely wonderful with potty training and is nearly trained!) Parenting for me is always exhausting, but more so under the weight of this pregnancy and grief, yet I find myself almost underwhelmed. I look at others around me who are so stressed by their (to me, comparatively "easy") lives and I wonder how things could be so bad in their lives to cause them such distress. My husband always jokes to me that "you just don't get it" and that's true, there is so much about people and their harmful behaviors that I really don't understand. Holding my child to his last breath has given me a new perspective on the important things in life I guess.