Like a tornado, the thoughts swirled in my head, threatening to tear everything inside apart. How could God do this to me a second time? Why us, what have we done wrong? Why now, why this child? Hadn't I weathered the storm already, and rebuilt, shouldn't I be allowed some peace? God is supposed to be kind and merciful, right, so where was the kindness and mercy in taking not one but two of my children? I also thought about sacrifice and God Himself. I feel I am earning the right to say this - God only had to sacrifice one child, why two for me? Have I not already paid the ultimate price? It took alot of strength to feel those things but not to allow them to take hold of me like they did with Wyatt. This was not about me, it is not just happening to me and I know that my life will go on after this baby is born. I cannot spend my time feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on questions to which there are no answers. I may never know exactly why my children died and even if I were given the answers I may still not understand. What I can do is to be. To be in the present and to live the life I've been given without having to have all the answers. I am my ship's captain and there will be storms but the waters will also calm. I have weathered the worst of storms and the waters did calm, I must believe that they will again.
My dad told me that it is part of God's plan, but I do not believe that. I would rather God strike me down that take just one of my children away from me. But, God is not vengeful either, is he? I didn't get the miracle I desperately prayed for with Wyatt and to believe that it was all God's doing is to destroy my foundation of faith - did I not pray enough or hard enough or use the right words? It just cannot be, God did not do this, it just happened and I accept that.
I had recently taught a lesson to my kindergarten class about God as our Heavenly Father. So I started there. If God is my Heavenly Father, then he is my parent and I would do anything for my daughters but there are some hurts that parents just cannot fix. God did not cause this pain to me, my children or my family. That is not my God. These terrible things have happened to our innocent babies and it pains God just like it pains me to watch us suffer. He, like a parent, would love to take my hurt away, but he cannot. He can offer me his unending love, support and compassion. He tells me He will be there for me whenever I need Him and that even if I don't need Him, He will be waiting for me to come home. That is the most I can expect of any parent, heavenly or not. I don't ask God to cure my baby because there is no cure, I don't ask God to give me strength because I know it's within, I ask God to be with me, my unborn child and my family and to carry us when we stumble on our journey.