Saturday I lost hope.
My husband and I support St. Jude's children's hospital and usually order merchandise from them once or twice a year. This year my husband purchased some rubber band bracelets for kids. We opened them at Christmas and it was then that I found hope. A blue rubber band bracelet that spelled out the word HOPE. This was just a little over a month after we found out about Eli's Potter's Syndrome and I really needed hope. I put on the bracelet that day and literally never took it off until the day he was born.
This Saturday hope was lost. I don't know when or where and so far we've been unable to locate it. While I know it's just a rubber band bracelet, it was special to me. It was a connection to Eli. And I just can't escape the meaning. I didn't just lose a rubber band bracelet, I lost HOPE. Ugh. We happen to have another hope band, but just like I can't replace Eli, I can't just replace hope. When I told my husband that I lost hope he responded that I found new hope. I hope he's right. I hope this new bracelet brings with it the new hope that I could feel so strongly while pregnant with Eli. I hope Eli took my bracelet and that this was just his way of telling me that things will be okay, that hope is not really lost.