Because I'm a mother I wipe away others' tears while holding back my own. Because I'm a mother I am the last one to sleep each night. Because I'm a mother I am able to heal wounds with a simple kiss. Because I'm a mother I take responsibility for my sons' deaths. Only after now losing Eli have I truly come to this realization. It doesn't matter how my children died, I shoulder the blame for their deaths. Because I'm their mother. Our little boys were created inside of my body. Anything that went wrong with their development went wrong inside of my body.
When we found out about Wyatt's Potter's Syndrome we naturally needed someone or something to blame. We needed a reason. I questioned everything - if only I had done this differently or hadn't done that, what I drank, what I ate, physical activity, the bottles I drank my water out of - everything. I even believe that for a brief moment my husband blamed me in his grief. Eventually we came to the realization that nothing we did caused Wyatt's Potter's Syndrome and there was nothing we could have done to prevent his death.
Yet now after Eli's death from Potter's Syndrome I find myself again, asking those questions, wondering if I'm somehow to blame. Or worse perhaps, whether my husband is. You see, having Potter's Syndrome once is explained away by the medical community as a fluke, most people are given a 3-5% chance of it happening again but told not to worry because it won't. But when it does happen again those reassuring percentages disappear and then you are told it is probably genetic. You are left with no percentages, no answers. It boils down to your DNA and your partner's DNA and the knowledge that you may be somehow at least partly responsible for your child's death.
Because I'm a mother, my children's pain is my own. Knowing that I may be the cause of that pain is a very bitter pill.