Thursday, April 7, 2011
An Angry Moment
The other night my husband and I were watching a movie. It had a very pregnant woman in it which didn't bother me - until she gave birth. They blessedly did not show the birth. The main characters went to the hospital to visit her and her newborn son. They were all so happy and it was just so easy. After the movie was over I turned to my husband and told him how much it pissed me off. How this woman was just pregnant, went the hospital and then all of a sudden had a perfectly healthy baby. How for most families that is exactly how things go. They just decide one day, let's have a baby, get pregnant and then after about nine months they go to the hospital and leave with a swaddled little bundle. So very simple. For them. That pisses me off. Not that I would ever wish the loss of a child upon the very worst person in the world, but still. I have never known that joy, I have never been that ignorant. Before my first child was born I knew he would die and he did die. Now, my fifth child has died. No one can even tell me why us, why our children, and most importantly, will it happen to another? I know the answers to those questions are not mine right now and may never be but it doesn't stop them from haunting me, it doesn't quench my thirst. I can't just put stock in the good old "God has a plan" phrase that we usually use to explain away the unknown because to say that would be to say that God chose to take my children, that he consciously decided to put my family through this agony - twice - and that is unacceptable. That is not my God. So, I just have to try to put it out of my mind. It's not worth my anger but for one moment the other day it really pissed me off.