This may seem like a really odd thing to say so let me explain. Yesterday I left the house without my husband for the first time since Eli's birth. I haven't left the house many times but the mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes and my husband has graciously accompanied me on our few outings. Yesterday I had some errands that needed running during my husband's work day so I had no choice.
I sat at a red light with dried tears on my cheeks and looked at other drivers. I wondered as I have so many times before if the sadness in my heart was visible on my face. If others could sense even the tiniest bit of the pain that I carried. Then I wondered what their pains were. I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only one suffering. Most of us hide our pain inside until it scars over. We conceal those scars. Probably out of fear. Fear of reliving that pain, reopening the wound, fear of being perceived as weak, fear of loss.
What if we didn't? What if one glance revealed the suffering inside? What then? Would we be more compassionate towards each other or at least more empathetic? Would we exploit that pain for our own gain? Would we feel relief at being able to share our deepest wounds with others or would we feel shame, weakness or embarrassment? I think in a way it would just be too much to bear. Yet I still wonder.
So I will try to bear my scars on the outside. In the hopes that by not burying them, by not using them to protect my fragile heart, that my heart will grow. That I can be more compassionate, more sensitive to the pain of others. More willing to respond. Not only to respond but to respond with only love, not judgment.