May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Monday, March 21, 2011

Almost Like a Dream

Before Eli was born I purchased a frame for his picture which says "When you fell into my arms Little Angel you slipped into my heart." There was no way I could have known how fitting it would be. Here I sit, ten days after the birth of precious Eli, and yet it is so familiar. My oldest daughter is at school, the younger two perched on the couch watching Dinosaur Train, me logged onto the laptop. It is a morning I have lived and re-lived almost since we conceived Eli, like slipping into a favorite pair of pajamas. I miss feeling him wriggle in my belly, I miss trying to fit the laptop on my lap. I told my husband I just can't win. When I came home from the hospital all I wanted was a smaller stomach and unengorged breasts. As they've both shrunk I've sobbed over the loss of those connections to my son, my reminders of his brief presence.

Our house smells and looks like a florist shop. There are beautiful flowers everywhere and it is impossible to enter our living room without smelling the sweet scents of orchids, lilies, roses and carnations. Soon, they too will die. However, we will keep them with us.
After Wyatt's funeral, we carefully dried the petals from his flowers and then layered them in beautiful covered glass globes which sit on our fireplace mantle. Scattered throughout our rooms are pictures of Eli. Piled in my bedroom are plastic storage bags with his blankets, outfits and lamb sealed inside to preserve his sweet smell. That is all we have, flowers, blankets, outfits and pictures. It's just not enough, but will have to do. Now we begin rebuilding our lives and finding a new normal. We will begin the process of finding out who we have become in the wake of such loss. It is too early for answers, the girl that I glimpse in the mirror is not quite me but not quite not me either, I don't know her yet.


  1. I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and especially since you have been through it twice. I know how it feels to go through the loss of a child once but I couldn't imagine twice. You are in my thought and prayers daily. I pray for strength and peace for you and your family. I always remember this if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I know right now, it doesn't seem that way but He loves you and is there with you. He is there to wipe all your tears and to heal your heart. You have two guardian angels watching over you and that just makes going to Heaven that much better. You will get to see your precioous babies again and your family can be complete again.
    Love in Christ,

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could convey the words in my heart to heal your's. There is just simply no words that can do that fully. I know the deep seated hurt that lies there, for I too have lost. You are stronger than you know. The realization of who you are now will come as you know...its the acceptance of who that women is, that will be the challenge. No amount of material will ever be enough because those things have less value than the life that was lost...those gifts of memory will be a treasure for you to hold until you are reunited with the little ones you once held. Take care Mandy, any time you need something shoot me an email-

  3. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this yet again. It's not fair.

  4. I found my way here via another blog and just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your losses of both Eli and Wyatt. I wish there was something more I could say or something I could do to provide you at least some measure of comfort. But since I cannot, I will just say again how sorry I am that you must continue on without your two boys. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  5. Thank you each for your words of faith, strength, sympathy and support. I know you all understand how much it means and how important it is to reach out. Please know how much this means to me and how I cherish your words. -Mandy



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