As the days close in on me, I am experiencing moments of anger. Anger that I'm making last minute funeral preparations instead of making sure the crib is set up and covered with freshly washed sheets. Anger at not getting to fill the closet with sweet smelling tiny little outfits. Anger at not having to buy diapers and wipes. Anger at having given birth to full term infants five times yet only having three beds at home. Anger that, after Friday, for each earthly child we have, we also have one in heaven (I have also experienced a loss via miscarriage). Anger at having had to lose and going to have to lose the pregnancy weight all of those times and possibly (God willing) again. Anger at having had all these c-sections and the limitations that go along with that. Had Wyatt not been a Potter's baby stuck transverse in my stomach without fluid, it is highly likely that I would not have had a c-section with him and might have been able to experience a natural birth. There are so many positive things that have come about from having repeat sections but I also mourn the loss of being able to give birth like nature intended. I am also very anxious and apprehensive to find out the condition of my uterus on the operating table Friday. It means the world to me to be given one more chance.
I am so very thankful to find out that our daughters have normal functioning kidneys but since we don't know why Potter's has struck our family twice I worry that someday in the future one, or more of them, may find themselves in my shoes, carrying a child not destined for this earth. As devastating as carrying these babies has been, I think it would completely destroy me to watch one of my children have to do the same. Five children and I have never had the experience of a "normal" pregnancy. All have been shadowed by the fear of something being or going wrong, all being traced back to our precious Wyatt. I know that I will never have that experience for my children either, each of their pregnancies will be shadowed for me by the fear of lightning striking yet again. This apparently is my burden in life.