It has been almost four months since the day of Eli's birth and death which has set my mind wondering how long I will get to excuse, if you will, myself using the guise of grief. Is anyone still willing to extend me the courtesies of grief by telling themselves its only been four months or did those courtesies expire at three, two or God forbid one month, perhaps even weeks? I still find myself excusing things I've said or done in my head as the result of my grieving.
Obviously I am still grieving. Intense grief after the loss of a child can last up to two years. Grief itself is always present. I guess what I'm looking for is a number, down to the very last day if need be. When is my time up? When will people no longer tolerate anything less than normal? After losing Wyatt I coped by getting pregnant very quickly because I felt that was the only way I could ever begin to feel normal again. It kind of worked. Getting pregnant was absolutely the right decision for us. It lifted me out of a deep hole of grief and gave me a purpose in our quiet life together. I gained something in the wake of such tremendous loss. However it was not without its downfalls. My pregnancy was on a very near timeline with Wyatt's and so too often dates were weighed down by memories. I gave birth one year and four days after Wyatt's birth, the one year anniversary of his funeral and burial. People also stopped seeing a grieving mother and replaced her with an expectant mother which changed the dichotomy of my expected behavior.
I do not have the luxury of getting pregnant again so quickly after five full term c-sections. Nor do I have the peace of mind considering we were told Wyatt's Potter's was a fluke and clearly Eli's was likely not a fluke.
Only time will tell me what I want to know about time. Until then I will try to control those thoughts, words and behaviors that I need to excuse with grief and allow myself to continue to grieve in my own time.