I am enjoying waking up each morning and eating breakfast without having to look at the clock. There are kids but they don't need to be rushed into clothes, eating, teethbrushing and out the door. I can take my shower whenever I like and I've found it somewhat rewarding to be able to work out in the morning for a change of pace. It is an easier pace and yet I am finding myself lost.
I almost don't know what to do without the loud clicking of a clock over my shoulder. I find myself standing and staring wondering what to do next. For nine months out of the year our life is more regimented, there is the morning rush before school, then the mid morning spell in which we get any necessary errands and cleaning done. We have to be careful to accomplish these things so that there is still time to make lunch and get to nap at a reasonable, if not early time. Then after nap there are snacks and the school homecoming which with the addition of that extra child always seems to throw things out of whack for a while. Before I know it there is supper to be made, eaten, dishes and then homework before showers and bed so we can all rest up for the next day.
Summer is a different animal. No ticking, no rushing, rarely times where we have to be anywhere or do anything. I keep looking for purpose rather than enjoying the laziness I am allowed, if you can call keeping up with three young girls laziness! In my previous post I discussed where I am in my grief and I believe relapse is an appropriate description. I felt better for a while, felt almost even competent. Now I seem to feel worse but for the most part be even more competent. But there are still symptoms that have crept back in - forgetfulness, trouble sleeping, tiredness, unexplained sadness. I have faith that this too will pass and leave me again wondering if this is the last time and if not, when will I relapse again?