I appreciate the support after sharing how difficult it has been lately to live under the expectations of normality. It brought me back to an older post where I talked about this documentation as a way of remembering myself. The me that I was knowing that she would not be for long. Now I'm here, the new me. We're just getting to know each other and truthfully I've been quite reluctant. It's been too easy to hide from her, to justify my behaviors with grief and grieving, sadness and tears. It occurred to me that I would never find out about this new me if I didn't try something new and that something new was living again.
So I did it. Instead of just getting through my day to the best of my abilities, with patience and tolerance, I used humor and joy. It made me realize that although time heals wounds that during that time of healing I would miss so much and risk hurting those I care about most in my absence. There is nothing about our suffering that is fair. Who deserves to lose one child, nonetheless two? Who deserves to watch their young children try to process the death of their baby brother and finally realize there was a little boy just like him that came before them? What couple should have to endure the immense sadness and grieving involved in carrying a baby to term only to watch him die in their arms just hours later and then do it all again less than eight years later? It is too unfair. But there is nothing I can do about those things, they suck and they happened to us. What I can control is me. Who I am, who I want to be and how this person that I am or will be affects the vulnerable family that surrounds me. So today I live beyond my grief for those I love and who love me.