Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Faith Part Three
It took me a very very long time to come to Jesus after Wyatt's death. I tried going to church and tried being thankful for the gifts we were given with him but my feelings of abandonment and anger dominated and church became too painful. It hurt too bad to sit in God's house when I felt that he had forsaken me when I needed him the most. I did things very differently with Eli. I knew what would happen and adjusted my prayers and most importantly my expectations accordingly. I did not expect that God would miraculously heal our child. What I did expect was that he would lovingly guide us to Eli's birth, hold our hands through his life and then take our son into His arms at his death. I believe he did that and now I can truly offer thanks and real gratitude. I have returned to church and not one tear has escaped my eyes this time. There is one thing that still bothers me though. We knew we wanted another baby before we got pregnant with Eli and during the time before conceiving him I prayed over and over for a healthy baby, long before he was a baby, when he was just a wish in the air. It was a mantra for me, just one more healthy baby. When I got pregnant that is all I prayed, over and over, please let this baby be healthy. Now I'm not sure how to pray, what to say, or if anything should even be said.