Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Those Clothes
They sit in my closet, unworn for two and a half months. A draped eggplant top, the one that I wore when it was just myself, my husband and Eli that afternoon - the one that he died, and a blessedly stretchy polka dotted black and white dress which I wore the last time that I held Eli - the day of his funeral. I have not been able to put them on since but think of them often. I have a similar outfit that's Wyatt's. It is a beautiful turquoise dress with bright red poppies on it and is the outfit I wore for Wyatt's funeral. Because our oldest daughter was born just one year later I felt it appropriate to wear to her baptism which we held just five days after she was born. I had my little boy in my heart and the same body I had after birthing him so it just fit in so many ways. I have not worn that dress since. It hangs in the back of my closet. I was just wondering if I'm the only one who has "those clothes". The ones that are just too close to our little ones gone, that threaten to overwhelm us if we slip them over our heads.
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We never had a service for Tyler. We lived in a different town from our families and I didn't want the small-town nosies to show up to "offer support" plus having family there... And the hubs and I really didn't want to share what little bit of Tyler we had. We knew there would be plenty of pictures, but we wanted to protect that little boy and his memory. (Not saying anyone that a service would have done anything negative...it was just OUR perception for OUR situation.) I remember the clothes that I was wearing when we went to the hospital (thought I was in labor, not quite sure), but I continued to wear them because they're just regular street clothes (a few sizes bigger than my norm). Each time I put them on, I'd think of that day, though. Certain clothes remind me of pictures taken of me wearing them while pregnant with him. So even though they don't sit in my closet, untouched, they definitely don't go unnoticed.
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