When I wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "how weird is it?" Counting kids. Yes, when I am out and about I count kids. Families with five children sting. Especially families with children so close together there is likely no possibility that they could have birthed and lost any full term babies in between as I have. Even with children close together though, I know loss can occur. My two oldest girls are twenty-one months apart and I suffered a miscarriage in between their pregnancies. Appearances can be deceiving.
I haven't figured out why I count kids. Is it to find others who have suffered as I have? Is it to reassure myself that healthy children are possible? Is it out of jealousy that they haven't had to experience the agony that I have? While we're at it I've got another confession. I read obituaries. My eyes usually veer straight toward the bottom. The part where it says who preceded the deceased in death. I read this section for one reason. To find others that lost children. So often I find the names of infant children. I also find families with many many living children and I wonder why me and not them?
Comparing myself and my family to other parents and their families is no good. Even if I had genetic answers for my losses I would never be able to find out exactly when that mutation occurred in my genetic background and why it happened. I know enough about genetics and science and faith for that matter to know that no one has it all figured out. Scientists and doctors are always in a state of discovery and revisiting earlier discoveries. Religious scholars are still studying texts that are centuries old. And sometimes all of these well studied individuals can only tell us that sometimes things happen and no one knows why. I have read in the past that cancer can lay dormant in our bodies for some time and then one day go active and begin mutating without explanation. Miracles are things which have no logical explanations. So, in the end, I think the answer to some of my questions may echo what I tell my own children "just because".