I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sometimes. I have no magic elixir which produces the ugly deformed Mr. Hyde. For me it's emotion and thought. Then I get angry, real angry. Four letter words and phrases bounce around in my head with the speed of an Olympic ping pong match. I hold them into until it hurts. If released they will not stop.
The things that should be and are not. The things that are and should not be. So often they go unnoticed and other times they stick out like blinking neon signs at midnight. I don't know why the same thing can happen on a different day and elicit a completely different emotional response but it can.
Me, I blame most things on my hormones. Which I believe is actually quite reasonable since in the last nine years I have been pregnant six times and delivered five children between 37 and 39 weeks and then subsequently breastfed my three living girls for the first year of their lives. Normal hormonal fluctuations are brutal enough. Pregnancy for the most part is hormonally kind to me but the hormonal and emotional aftermath of losing a child is especially cruel. Breastfeeding for so many months after most of those pregnancies threw my hormones into a tailspin which in the last case I needed to supplement my hormones to recover from and that was seven months after I stopped nursing!
I think I have finally convinced my very intelligent but fairly clueless when it comes to female oriented things husband to accept my hormone crazed reasoning which at times I one hundred percent believe in and other time feel almost as if I'm duping him. But, if he ever has doubts I have proof - charts and charts of crazy dots and lines and times and temperatures which correspond with crazy behavior and physical discomfort which in all likelihood causes more crazy behavior. Through the years I have connected so many seemingly unrelated things to hormonal imbalances that I really feel justified in my blame.
So there, I'm on to you nasty hormones.