May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Mess

Lately I'm just a mess jumble of emotions. Much like the unused balls of soft pastel baby yarns which sit jumbled next to an unfinished baby blanket along our couch. Every now and then the girls grab onto a string and pull it which leaves the balls slightly more undone than they were yet still intact.

I am a woman driven. By what I'm not entirely sure but I know exactly where I'm trying to go. Almost everything I have done since the moment I said goodbye to Eli has led me to this time, this place and I'm almost there. I can feel it. It is unnerving, exciting, exhausting and terrifying all at the same time. All of the work I have done to whip my body into shape, to lose the baby weight, to regain normalcy in my cycle has led to this. My last chance to have our last child. What once seemed eons away is now mere days or weeks hopefully. I'm so close to that goal that I'm almost losing focus, it's just too big. So much is at stake.

I have been pregnant six times and have three living children. I've been batting 50% before too and I've approached many of my last pregnancies with the knowledge that they could be my last (due to so many c-sections). I just keep telling my body that we can do this. I can do this. I need to do this for so many reasons, I'm sure more than even I realize. There will be no regrets, only jumbled yarn.

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