Saturday I lost hope.
My husband and I support St. Jude's children's hospital and usually order merchandise from them once or twice a year. This year my husband purchased some rubber band bracelets for kids. We opened them at Christmas and it was then that I found hope. A blue rubber band bracelet that spelled out the word HOPE. This was just a little over a month after we found out about Eli's Potter's Syndrome and I really needed hope. I put on the bracelet that day and literally never took it off until the day he was born.
This Saturday hope was lost. I don't know when or where and so far we've been unable to locate it. While I know it's just a rubber band bracelet, it was special to me. It was a connection to Eli. And I just can't escape the meaning. I didn't just lose a rubber band bracelet, I lost HOPE. Ugh. We happen to have another hope band, but just like I can't replace Eli, I can't just replace hope. When I told my husband that I lost hope he responded that I found new hope. I hope he's right. I hope this new bracelet brings with it the new hope that I could feel so strongly while pregnant with Eli. I hope Eli took my bracelet and that this was just his way of telling me that things will be okay, that hope is not really lost.
I like what your husband responded with. Itoo think you now have new hope.
ReplyDeleteThat's a nice way to think about it! I've all but lost hope myself.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family often.
ReplyDeleteMandy, I have been following your blog for a couple months, and I think your spirit is amazing. I simply cannot imagine walking the path you have walked. I cannot help but think that if I were to ever find myself in similar shoes, my hope and my spirit would be the first things out the door. I know that I would spend much time waiting for them to return...if they returned at all.
ReplyDeleteI can kind of relate to the bracelet. I have worn a silicone baby loss bracelet since 3 days after we lost our daughter. There were two of these bracelets in our memory box, and we more or less haven't taken them off since we put them on 20 months ago. It's just a silicone bracelet, but in so many ways, it's the piece of her that is with me all the time. About 3 weeks ago one of the students that I work with was in middle of a behavior outburst when he grabbed my bracelet and started pulling with everything he was worth. All I could envision was the bracelet breaking followed by me sitting down in a heap and crying. Luckily, he released his grasp...but in those few seconds, I could feel myself deflating and sinking into another state of loss...and lost hope.
Much love to you and your family as you continue to work through this part of your journey.