Because I'm a mother I wipe away others' tears while holding back my own. Because I'm a mother I am the last one to sleep each night. Because I'm a mother I am able to heal wounds with a simple kiss. Because I'm a mother I take responsibility for my sons' deaths. Only after now losing Eli have I truly come to this realization. It doesn't matter how my children died, I shoulder the blame for their deaths. Because I'm their mother. Our little boys were created inside of my body. Anything that went wrong with their development went wrong inside of my body.
When we found out about Wyatt's Potter's Syndrome we naturally needed someone or something to blame. We needed a reason. I questioned everything - if only I had done this differently or hadn't done that, what I drank, what I ate, physical activity, the bottles I drank my water out of - everything. I even believe that for a brief moment my husband blamed me in his grief. Eventually we came to the realization that nothing we did caused Wyatt's Potter's Syndrome and there was nothing we could have done to prevent his death.
Yet now after Eli's death from Potter's Syndrome I find myself again, asking those questions, wondering if I'm somehow to blame. Or worse perhaps, whether my husband is. You see, having Potter's Syndrome once is explained away by the medical community as a fluke, most people are given a 3-5% chance of it happening again but told not to worry because it won't. But when it does happen again those reassuring percentages disappear and then you are told it is probably genetic. You are left with no percentages, no answers. It boils down to your DNA and your partner's DNA and the knowledge that you may be somehow at least partly responsible for your child's death.
Because I'm a mother, my children's pain is my own. Knowing that I may be the cause of that pain is a very bitter pill.
I feel a similar pain. It seems my son died because I had a septum in my uterus we didn't know about. He was in an odd position on the left side, trapping in a small space because of the septum. And one night while sleeping on my left side, we believe the cord got underneath him and was compressed. I beat myself up for not knowing he was stuck and for sleeping on the side he was stuck on. I know there's nothing you could've done to prevent a genetic thing. And there's no way you could've known it was genetic. I am so sorry you are having those thoughts though. I know how it feels to blame yourself and be disappointed in your body though. Thinking of you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI hurt for you Mandy.
ReplyDeleteI really hate the burden that after all is said and done...we are the ones blamed. We blame ourselves and sometimes others do too. Its awful and I can relate.
My mother in-law flat out told me that she would prefer my husband and I to not have any more children. She blames me for what happened to TanaLee...the only "genetic" thing found as a "possible" contributer to her death was not found in my gene pool but my husbands...yet I'm to blame. I already blame myself for my body not carrying to full term but now also for the reason she didn't make it, seven months later.
But to answer back to your claim that you are to blame...No I don't think your to blame...with the cards you've held up for the world to see, I don't see how its possible. You've loved and put all you could into those pregnancies and thats that. You can't control everything that happens...i'm learning this. We are imperfect and defected people, i'll say no more than that to respect your beliefs but really, some things happen that we can't explain. Hugs to you, I hope I've been a source of encouragement to you.
~Felicia