Number Four? No, This Is Number Six

What's in a number?  Years, pounds, feet, inches...children.  We are now a visible family of six.  Two parents and four girls.  Which of course draws many good-natured inquiries when we are out and about.  People tend to ask if baby is a girl which is then followed by comments, many of which are surprisingly pleasant from other parents of three or more girls about how much they enjoy their daughters.  Some are teasing, especially when my poor husband is around.  Depending on how the comments are made, some lead me to mention our two invisible sons.  You see, there are really eight of us, there are also two boys.  We will never know what it's like to show them off or simply just observe them as we do our daughters while out walking in the evening.  I will never have the privilege of hearing them say "I love you, Mommy", not even once or seeing just how brightly a smile could light up their faces.  I honestly don't mind the questions or comments, I am immensely proud of my daughters and wouldn't trade any one of them for anything.  I no longer cringe or pause before answering, my responses are finely tuned to the question, the person asking and my own feelings that particular moment.  I no longer feel guilt in the times that I acknowledge only my daughters and I no longer feel guilt at the reactions I get when I acknowledge my sons.  It is what it is and nothing I can say or do changes my reality.  I own my feelings, my family and my love completely.

God, That Hurt

Yesterday I had to take all 3 of my girls to the dentist. It was awful. As I've mentioned, I've been able to disguise my pregnancy well enough due to heavy winter clothing which has spared me the public's questions.

Until yesterday. Three different hygienists, receptionists, and the dentist. All making comments about how small I was and how I didn't look like I could be having a c-section in March. There were also alot of excited questions about gender and names and such, alot of jokes about girls since I had 3 in tow. While I wasn't completely blindsided, I was overwhelmed and just didn't know what to say. The comments about my size hit especially hard. I wanted to scream that I was small because I didn't have amniotic fluid and that my baby was going to die. Instead, I probably turned 20 shades of pale and put on the best smile I could muster and just shrugged my shoulders or said that we didn't know the gender and told them the date of the c-section. I didn't tell one person the truth. The real kicker was that the dentist was pregnant and due at the end of April and as any excited expecting mom she went on and on and on about doctors, names, gender, size, etc...it was beyond heartwrenching. I just couldn't bring myself to explain it to that many people that many times.

It was a sucker punch I never could have seen coming, especially the dentist's pregnancy, what a cruel twist of fate. Here she was, in my face, smiling and asking me questions which she had no reason not to ask. She was a perfect vision of what I should be like - excited, anticipatory, full of life and joy. Instead I am shrouded in death and sadness. I can barely bring myself to smile, forget excitement. I can only imagine what all these women thought about my reactions in retrospect, how unenthusiastic and short my responses were.

I cried all the way home, I cried when I got home and I cried last night and well, I'm crying again now.

I go to get my teeth cleaned on Valentine's Day and I have resolved to tell at least my hygienist about the baby, I hope I can do it.

Stressing about Dentist Visits

You might ask yourself, what does a visit to the dentist have to do with this blog? Nothing and everything would be the answer. Tomorrow I am taking all three girls for the first time together to the dentist (I have been taking the older two for some time now but it's the littlest's first cleaning!). Aside from the fact that it's the middle of winter and taking all three kids anywhere at the same time, especially when we need to be there by a specific time, is stressful, there is another source of stress for me. One that makes my stomach do flip flops in anticipation.

I have not been to the dentist since this pregnancy has been obvious. I am nervous about answering questions regarding the pregnancy and how I will respond. My husband and I also frequent this dentist office so the staff knows us pretty well. So, I have a few options. One, I can keep my jacket closed (which by some miracle I can still wear my normal winter jacket which is slimming black) and hope no one notices my enlarged profile. Two, I can unbutton my jacket and take any questions if/when they come. Then my dilemma is how to answer those questions. Do I paste on a smile and say we don't know the baby's gender and that baby will arrive in March and leave it at that knowing that in six months I will see these same people and they will remember the belly and ask how my baby is doing? Do I tell them as gently as possible that we do not know the gender of the baby but that we do not anticipate the baby will survive? There is no good option, eventually I will have to answer at least one question which will put out there that our baby either will die or has died. Oh, and my next cleaning, on Valentine's Day - ugh!

It is one of the things that made my sickest when we first learned of this baby's potter's syndrome. Dealing with all of those well meaning questions. Oddly enough, not one person, no strangers or acquaintances, who did not know about our situation, ask me about this baby/pregnancy. I suppose me not leaving the house all that often and since it's winter wearing my "slimming" black jacket zippered up tightly helps.