Again?

I'm sure many people thought or said this very thing when they heard or saw that I was once again pregnant.  Six pregnancies is a lot for any family I think, especially when two of those babies died on the days of their birth.   I've been pondering this, why did we take this enormous leap of faith again?  I know why I did it the first time (after Wyatt was born) - because I was told his Potter's Syndrome was a fluke and because we were given a low chance of recurrence.  Aside from statistics, I still had some faith and believed that I had paid off whatever debt I had incurred that caused such a horrible thing to happen to me and that it simply would not and could not happen again.

Obviously I didn't have any of those assurances or confidences after Eli's Potter's diagnosis.  So why did we do this again?  Especially knowing this time there was a very good chance that our genetics (mostly mine I think) could result in yet another Potter's Syndrome baby doomed to die on or before the day of his or her birth.  I can only speak for myself, though I suspect some of my husband's desire is simply to bring a smile to my face and heart again, but I also know his reasons run deeper as well.  For me though it goes back to a letter I wrote to my Sunday School parents before Eli's birth last year in which I revealed that the baby I was carrying was not expected to survive and that I had carried a similar baby eight years prior.  I went on to say that my presence in church and the classroom each Sunday was a testament to God's great love, even during our darkest times.  It is that love and goodness that gave me the courage and faith to try again.  I can see the goodness in our daughters, in my husband and in the world around me when I look.  Even as Eli lived his short life and I was left to sort through his death's aftermath last spring, so many good things happened, so much love shared. I knew that no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy that there would still be love and goodness, from above and right here and that ultimately I would see it again.

Russian Roulette

I have been transparently focused on a rainbow baby since Eli's birth even though conceiving again was like firing a loaded gun. We had no idea whether we would become parents to yet another Potter's Syndrome baby or whether we would be able to bring this one home. We did everything within our grasp to find answers and the best we could do was an eight percent chance of recurrence. It was unnerving to say the least. It was so much easier to jump into the pool again when I had been told that the first time was just a fluke. I compare our experience trying again this time to Russian Roulette though admittedly our odds of getting that bullet were a little lower. According to Wikipedia, the first shot fired out of a six shot revolver loaded for a game of Russian Roulette is 16.6% likely to be the bullet. But, if that gun is shot again without spinning the cylinder, the percentage of firing that bullet gets higher and higher. The second firing is 20% likely to be the bullet, the third is 25% and so on. Though my odds are lower, my percentage increase is about the same. After Wyatt was born we were given a 3-5% chance of recurrence, now we're at 8% and truly that is just an educated guess since the genetic (or not) pathway of inheritance or occurrence is unknown for our family and I have a maternal aunt who also passed away from Potter's.

The first four months of this pregnancy not knowing whether this baby was healthy were very trying. I compared every little symptom or lack thereof to Eli's pregnancy, searching for something, anything to either put my mind at ease or confirm my fears. We chose not to tell anyone for the entire first trimester and then only began sharing when my stomach was no longer easily concealed. We didn't even tell our daughters during the first trimester. If this weren't my sixth on the way to full term pregnancy I probably would have held out much longer. I didn't want to tell anyone about the baby until I knew one way or another. It just didn't feel right to share what should be good news and then have that worry-filled question hanging over all of our heads. I wanted to either be able to share entirely happy news or to be able to quietly process bad news and then parcel it out at a time of my own choosing, not on the day everyone knew I was having an ultrasound and would be waiting for results. We had fired the gun and had to wait an excruciatingly long time to find out whether there was a bullet in that chamber. Until we saw this baby with our own eyes there were no good answers to our daughters' questions about whether this baby would die too. Stressful is a highly understated description of those months.

I am beyond happy to be in the good percentage this time and to be able to give hope to other families who have lost pregnancies and babies, especially those who have lost two little ones to Potter's Syndrome. I scoured the internet while pregnant with Eli and after he was born looking for someone else who has walked my shoes and found the path to a happy ending. I wasn't able to find any stories with that happy ending (though I hope they are out there). Now mine is written for someone else someday.