Number Four? No, This Is Number Six

What's in a number?  Years, pounds, feet, inches...children.  We are now a visible family of six.  Two parents and four girls.  Which of course draws many good-natured inquiries when we are out and about.  People tend to ask if baby is a girl which is then followed by comments, many of which are surprisingly pleasant from other parents of three or more girls about how much they enjoy their daughters.  Some are teasing, especially when my poor husband is around.  Depending on how the comments are made, some lead me to mention our two invisible sons.  You see, there are really eight of us, there are also two boys.  We will never know what it's like to show them off or simply just observe them as we do our daughters while out walking in the evening.  I will never have the privilege of hearing them say "I love you, Mommy", not even once or seeing just how brightly a smile could light up their faces.  I honestly don't mind the questions or comments, I am immensely proud of my daughters and wouldn't trade any one of them for anything.  I no longer cringe or pause before answering, my responses are finely tuned to the question, the person asking and my own feelings that particular moment.  I no longer feel guilt in the times that I acknowledge only my daughters and I no longer feel guilt at the reactions I get when I acknowledge my sons.  It is what it is and nothing I can say or do changes my reality.  I own my feelings, my family and my love completely.

Who do you know who has lost a child?

If you had asked me this ten years ago or so I'd have probably given you an incorrect answer.  Losing a child was something that was not on my radar even though my maternal grandparents lost a baby right after her birth due to what may be a similar condition as what we're experiencing and my paternal grandparents lost five babies to early miscarriages.  My godmother had two stillborn babies.  Since losing Wyatt I know of so so many more losses.  I've made many friends through online support groups and boards and shared in their grief over the loss of their babies.  I've learned of co-workers and friends' losses and other losses have occurred within my distantly related family as well.  Myself, I have lost two babies, Wyatt to Potter's and an early miscarriage between my first two living children.  Soon I will lose another.  I know of losses at all stages of pregnancy and even early infancy and for all kinds of different reasons.  I probably would not have known of many of these losses though had I not had my own.  Pregnancy and infant loss is not something that people talk about.  There are so many reasons why.

I took my middle daughter to the clinic yesterday for a nasty lingering cough.  The nurse who took her x-rays was very excited to see my pregnant belly and asked if this was my second child.  I froze for a second, unsure how to answer.  For the past seven years it has just been easier to answer that "how many children?" question by referring to my living children, the ones people see.  Since I go to the clinic often, I answered that this will be my fourth.  Sometimes it hurts more than others to not mention Wyatt.  It's not that I mind explaining that we had a boy as our first child and that he died.  It's the look in other people's eyes, sometimes pity, confusion or discomfort.  No one asks the "how many children?" question expecting to hear about death.  Most families are blessedly untouched by an experience like ours, they don't know how to respond.

It makes me wonder how many times I have asked someone how many children they have and how many times that answer has not just slipped off their tongue because they didn't know whether I wanted to hear how many children they really had or how many children I could see that they had.