I Have Nothing Left to Give

Yesterday I reached a point of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that has left me with nothing left to give anyone. Monday my husband and I spent some quality time at the birthing floor of the hospital where I have given birth to all of my children and where I will welcome this one in just about seven weeks. In the same room as Wyatt left this world. We met with hospital personnel to create a birth plan for this little one, a mesh of hospital policy, forms and our own special wishes for this child. It was determined, primarily by me, that I will spend my hospital stay in the same room that I spent with Wyatt. I could feel him all around me and I can't think of a better place to welcome his little brother or sister. It was a day of anticipation and dread and one that left me satisfied but empty. Our wishes will be honored and I fully expect to welcome Wyatt's sibling in a very eerily similar way to the way we celebrated his birth and death.

Yesterday I spent almost my entire morning at the hospital, beginning with a one hour glucose test which always entails spending more than an hour in the lab. My day started off late and progressively ran later which did little for my stress level. I failed my one hour glucose test with my first two pregnancies and passed with my second two so it was a crap shoot at best and I could think of no worse torture than having to spend three plus hours in a waiting room with other pregnant women knowing that I would lose my pregnancy. I guardedly crocheted this baby's white blanket hoping no one would approach me or ask about my pregnancy. I was blessed that no one did. A double blessing later in the morning when I got the news that I passed the glucose test and would be spared from the three hour torture that follows a failing result. Of course, few roses are thorn-free, so I did have to endure a RhoGam shot for good measure.

I was able to schedule baby's birth date and can now share that he or she will hopefully enter this world no sooner than March 11, 2011. The events of the previous two days have left me completely spent, today with a rare headache. I pray for our little one to grow and thrive in utero so that he or she may be born alive and kicking on March 11th and be strong enough to spend some time with us before joining his or her little brother.