Wyatt's birthday is now just days away and I find myself overwhelmed with sadness. A sadness that is anchorless almost. It's not tied to anything, just floating adrift within me. A sadness that I can't escape, can't swallow and definitely can't embrace.
I'm tired. I'm madly in love with our newest daughter but she is demanding. She is a big girl and eats a lot. Most evenings she cries - a lot. Thankfully at night when she's not eating she sleeps but I could use more sleep - you guessed it, a lot more sleep. Combine sleeplessness and the constant demands of three other young girls, two of whom just began their summer break and aren't used to be home all of the time with a needy infant who only seems to want to sleep in someone's (my) arms or when out and about (which is not always easy considering that one or more of the girls usually "doesn't want to") and I'm overwhelmed to an extent. It's not awful. But it is definitely magnifying the helplessness which is accompanying Wyatt's upcoming birthday.
I spoke in my last post about choosing a birthday present for Wyatt and how this simple thing cripples me each year. It is something I simply cannot face alone. So yesterday we all traipsed off to a big box store to make that special purchase. This year it is a batman figurine, the original batman since we are old-school purists. I hope that he smiles down on our choice tomorrow and can appreciate the thoughtfulness put into such a small and inexpensive yet so very important gift.
I went to my last OB appointment today, from now on I am officially in the GYN category. I initially cringed when I saw that this appointment had been scheduled today, the day before my first baby boy's birthday. I wonder if they remember that day nine years ago. I know that I have seen and experienced things in my life and witnessed things in others' lives that have left indelible imprints within so I can't help but ponder whether that moment in my life left an imprint on someone else's.
Cupcakes - check, birthday present - check, balloons - check. Now all that is left is another birthday celebration without the birthday boy.