Memories of Eli's Potter's diagnosis are so heavy on my mind right now one year later. I carried Wyatt to term with no second thoughts and no regrets. I just never imagined I would be asked to make that decision again. When I was, my first thought was to end the pregnancy. I knew the pain, emotional and physical, involved in carrying a child with a fatal diagnosis to term. The difference was, with Wyatt, I had hope. I hoped that the doctors were wrong, I hoped things weren't quite as dire as I had been led to believe, I hoped for a miracle. I trusted in medical science. I believed in miraculous healing.
With Eli I knew better. I knew that the process would involve daily, minute by minute concern about baby's movements and whether baby was still alive. I also knew that it could potentially mean carrying the baby to full term for almost five more months. Our three young children at home greatly factored into my ability to function as a pregnant grieving mother. But most of all, I knew that my child would be born by c-section, hopefully breathing, and that the baby would be beautifully normal looking on the outside but missing just enough on the inside. I knew how heart wrenching it was to watch my child die and could only imagine what sharing that death with my living children would be like.
So I wanted an easier way out with Eli. For just a second. In my shock, disappointment and sadness I imagined just for a moment that it was not happening to me again and I think that option gave me what I needed to find. Words cannot describe what I found but it was enough that day for me to choose life and for Eli's brief life and the overwhelming joy it brought to our family I am grateful.