And the Heaviness Settles In

Winter has overstayed its welcome in a most uncomfortably long cold way.  A chill has settled deep into my bones and I just can't shake it.  Along with that, the sad anticipation of my littlest son's third birthday.  It seems impossible that just three years ago I gave birth to a sweet baby boy.  My life is so devoid of boys, it's a wonder my husband has any testosterone left!  Four girls with dolls, dresses, leggings, princesses, tutus and tiaras leave little room for toy car longings.  Yet I am ever reminded that he was real, my arms still carry the memory of his tiny body.  This time of year my mind just turns to mush.  Its evident in what I can remember, what I forget and even how I write.  Nothing seems to make sense.  Which is probably completely appropriate considering that Eli's absence still doesn't make sense.  My daughters' questions about why their brothers had to die don't have satisfying answers.  The day will come and go as it does every year and I will muddle through the next few weeks until that day passes with a heaviness in my heart and a bit of extra missing for my sweet Eli.  Time has done little to dull my pain but has done wonders with my coping mechanisms.