As the days close in on me, I am experiencing moments of anger. Anger that I'm making last minute funeral preparations instead of making sure the crib is set up and covered with freshly washed sheets. Anger at not getting to fill the closet with sweet smelling tiny little outfits. Anger at not having to buy diapers and wipes. Anger at having given birth to full term infants five times yet only having three beds at home. Anger that, after Friday, for each earthly child we have, we also have one in heaven (I have also experienced a loss via miscarriage). Anger at having had to lose and going to have to lose the pregnancy weight all of those times and possibly (God willing) again. Anger at having had all these c-sections and the limitations that go along with that. Had Wyatt not been a Potter's baby stuck transverse in my stomach without fluid, it is highly likely that I would not have had a c-section with him and might have been able to experience a natural birth. There are so many positive things that have come about from having repeat sections but I also mourn the loss of being able to give birth like nature intended. I am also very anxious and apprehensive to find out the condition of my uterus on the operating table Friday. It means the world to me to be given one more chance.
I am so very thankful to find out that our daughters have normal functioning kidneys but since we don't know why Potter's has struck our family twice I worry that someday in the future one, or more of them, may find themselves in my shoes, carrying a child not destined for this earth. As devastating as carrying these babies has been, I think it would completely destroy me to watch one of my children have to do the same. Five children and I have never had the experience of a "normal" pregnancy. All have been shadowed by the fear of something being or going wrong, all being traced back to our precious Wyatt. I know that I will never have that experience for my children either, each of their pregnancies will be shadowed for me by the fear of lightning striking yet again. This apparently is my burden in life.
Hello Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI am a new follower to your blog. I too have lost my first born. (Not for the same reason)Feel free to follow my journey at tanaleedavis.blogspot.com
I read your story with Wyatt. It brought a joy but smashed me to pieces with hurt for your great loss. I am so sorry such a thing has happened to you...it just isn't fair. I'm sorry that you are about to suffer another loss..but I hope my comments can be an oasis of comfort and help your heart breath...you are not alone, I have not experienced Potter's syndrome but I have lost a baby. Hugs to you in this most difficult time.
~Felicia
I will keep you & your family in my prayers. My heart breaks for the pain you must be going through a second time. This precious babe will have a big brother angel waiting for him.
ReplyDeleteSweet mama, I have been thinking of you! I know I only know you from your blog, but your journey has touched me. I have carries to term inspite of a fatal diagnosis and can't even imagine the whirlwind of doing it twice. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMandy, I just read your blog. My heart is sadden because of what you and your husband have been through. I pray that God heals your broken heart and I will be praying for you guys on Friday. You know God is the Great Physician and I am going to keep Faith that he can heal your baby. Sometimes a baby's healing is not on Earth but in Heaven but I pray that it will be on Earth. Keep your Faith and stay strong for your other babies.
ReplyDeleteLove in Christ,
Crystal
So sorry to hear about your little one... thinking of you with all my heart xoxo
ReplyDeleteEven though I've only had one Potter's baby, I still have your feelings (not to the extent of yours, I'm sure). I had anger for a LONG time and occasionally still do. It ISN'T fair and there's nothing you DID to deserve this...so why the hell does it have to happen AGAIN?! I hate it for you, I hate what you're about to go through (AGAIN) and I hate that you can't just let yourself grieve this time. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through those first 3 months if I had had children at home. I was very selfishly grieving. Maybe your girls will be your strength. I hope they will. As much hurt as I felt losing Tyler, I was still filled with so much love and I hope that that love carries you through the roughest parts of what's to come.
ReplyDeleteI know you want to feel thankful and grateful for all that you've been blessed with, but please remember that it's okay to be sad, too. We know, better than anyone, that sad and happy just go together now.
I do look forward to hearing your birth story and seeing pictures (if you'd like to share) of your precious little blessing. As much sadness as there is in a birth like this, there is so much beauty, too. I say it like you don't already know...of course you know that!
All of your kind comments have brought me to tears and lifted my heart this morning. Though I know exactly how searing this pain will be, I know that Friday morning we will all be wrapped in prayer. Thank you -Mandy
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