Born Under the Shadow of Grief

I believe that we are all born, and raised, under the shadow of something. Something that has shaped our parents' lives and is thrust upon us unwillingly. My children's shadow is grief. Each and every one. Our first child died less than three hours after he was born. Each child was subsequently born under that shadow of grief. No matter how great our joy was on the days of their birth, there was a shadow hanging over us. Their big brother was not there. I have never been a non-bereaved parent. I have never known the pure joy of holding my own newborn. I cannot unforget what it is like to watch my own child die in my arms, the sound of a heartbeat slowing to a stop. My children will never know me as that parent and I will never know what I could have been.