Preparing to Say Goodbye

While nourishing the life in my womb, we also had to prepare for that life to end.  My husband set about making a tiny casket for the baby.  I crocheted a baby blanket.  Time passed and it soon became clear that a bigger casket would be needed.  So my husband lovingly crafted another tiny, but larger, casket.  We were able to do these things and had accepted the reality of what would soon happen, but even so there were some things I just couldn't bring myself to do.  I could not make funeral arrangements, it was difficult enough to give words to what would happen, but to plan how it would go was more than I could handle.  The days, weeks and even months passed by.  We roamed the cemetery and chose grave plots, for ourselves with our precious baby in between.  How many 24 year olds can say they have a plot in the cemetery?  That time was a gift, time to absorb, prepare and tackle each task individually.

I remember discomfort carrying the baby, it was fairly high up and moved into a transverse position.  When the baby stretched I could literally see my stomach expand left to right and it was very uncomfortable.  I could feel a big round head on the right side of my belly and bottom on the left. When I would wake up in the morning baby would be all bumbled up on whichever side of my stomach was resting on the bed.  Baby remained in a transverse position and with the lack of amniotic fluid that's where it stayed.  Our doctor graciously gave us the opportunity to meet our baby alive by scheduling a c-section for 37 weeks.  We would soon meet our first child.  The night before baby was born was so bittersweet.  I was so excited to meet the precious child I had grown and  loved over the past 37 weeks, a child whose strength and will to live inspired me to continue our journey towards his birth.  But at the same time, I was so sad to let him out knowing that he was only safe inside my womb.  I was also really scared to see the baby knowing that there may be other physical problems.  There was also nerves and fear surrounding having a c-section.  Especially since I had never had major surgery.  With so many unknowns, there was still one certainty, that our home would remain empty.