Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Ushering in a New Period of Mourning
My littlest little girl is going to turn one next week and I find myself not only now sleeping mostly through the night but also feeling that old pull. The one that catches my eye as I pick out our infant daughter's clothing in the morning. Those little boy outfits that have been hanging in that same closet on the same hangers, untouched, for about nine and half years now. The ones for my son. The baby blue Winnie the Pooh outfit lovingly washed and hung, ready to wear. Frankly, those outfits have done nothing but make me angry lately. Angry because even though those outfits weren't for Wyatt, they were for Eli. He was the son that came after Wyatt. He was my boy. I knew it soon after he started growing in my belly. I knew he was a boy. I knew it just as surely as I knew that something was wrong with him before I even walked into that ultrasound room. What I knew then doesn't matter now. I now know that I will never again hold another little boy from my own body and that I will forever mourn those two little boys I did get to briefly hold but that I will also forever mourn the absence of another son. At the same time there is great peace in my heart knowing that I will not carry another child. There is a very real possibility that we could have had another child with Potter's syndrome. I am so thankful to have welcomed our healthy little girl one year ago. It has been healing for all of us. After Eli died I wrote about how heartbreaking it was to watch our three daughters love him and then have to say goodbye. They had empty arms too. I have now filled their arms and their hearts. They still miss Eli and talk of him often. We know that Baby cannot take away all that hurt but we did not expect that she would. She just fills a different place in our hearts.