So I've been feeling this sadness settling in like it does each year right around this time since our first Christmas without Wyatt in 2003. My mood and temperament noticeably dip so I found myself trying to explain it to my husband last night. It took alot of nonsensical descriptions before these words came out.
Christmas makes me sad because it's about family and that only reminds me of how incomplete my family is and will always be. It is the one time of year when my family never seems so incomplete. I can't say it any better than that. The boys' birthdays come and go and those days are about them individually and how much I miss each of them. But Christmas. Christmas is the time when their presence in our family is so obviously missing to me. Everyone else in our family (parents and siblings) have all of their children. I am missing two and I just don't know how not to miss them. The heart of Christmas, truly the meaning of Christmas is family. Christmas is the celebration of Christ's birth and the creation of the Holy Family. It is also the creation of God's own family as he welcomed his only son into this world. So, you see, any which way you look at it, it's family. The one thing I value above all else. My blessed and blessedly incomplete family.
He tried but had no answers. There are none that I have found over the last ten years since Wyatt's birth. I don't know that Christmas will ever be the same for me. It is a very conscious effort to recognize and appreciate the joy that is going on all around me each and every holiday season. Today I find myself in need of a silent night to spend in quiet reflection and sorrow to make more room for joy from the world tomorrow.