May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
-Irish Blessing

Monday, January 30, 2012

The Path Not Opened

Yesterday in church I found myself staring at yet another young couple with a beautiful newborn prepared for baptism.  These couples are in abundance lately.  In them I see a path that was never opened for me.

My very first pregnancy was Wyatt.  One I enjoyed every minute of, nausea and all, until our first ultrasound.  Those few simple words "incompatible with life" changed our lives forever.  Up until that point I had not purchased one thing for our impending delivery.  In just a matter of hours I went from an expecting mother to a mourning mother.  Instead of preparing to bring our baby home I had to begin preparing for our baby's death, funeral and burial.  Wyatt and I never received a baby shower, my pregnancy was not celebrated and I mostly suffered in silence for the remaining months of my pregnancy.

Even though I became pregnant with a healthy little girl less than four months after Wyatt's birth that pregnancy too, was marred by the previous one.  I was employed full time during that pregnancy and found myself pregnant and due within weeks of a couple co-workers.  The closest I have ever gotten to a real baby shower is one thrown by either my or my husband's co-workers.  No family, no friends.

That path was never opened for me.  It was closed the minute we saw that first ultrasound screen.  It is a small thing to mourn but one that occasionally crosses my mind nonetheless.  I have always lived with the very real and likely fear that my baby could and would die.  I have never even had the opportunity to be a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman.  It just wasn't an option.

I practice cautious optimism - and I often wonder where that path would have taken me.

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