Third Birthday Wish to My Sweet Eli

Three years ago today I gave birth to my second and last son.  The pain of that loss is  - unimaginable.  No number of children, laughs, smiles or incredible moments can replace those precious few hours I spent with my son and so today I sit here with tears streaming down my face missing him more than I thought possible.

Sometimes life is about reframing.  My life's frame cannot sit squarely on my sons and their absence.  I would be an disfunctional mess.  So I've had to shift focus.  Eli and Wyatt are still in the picture, they're just off to the side and a little blurry.  Never left out but only allowed to take center frame on two days of the year, their birthdays.

The salve that I've applied to my broken heart his year is that Eli lived almost his entire life in my body.  He knew mostly me.  He knew the sound of my voice, when I was happy, when I was sad and everything in between.  He felt my body wracked with sobs and my belly bounce with laughter.  He heard me singing to him and felt my soft caresses.  He slept to the sound of my heartbeat.  This brings me a measure of happiness.  It is amazing to me that I can still remember so much so vividly three years later, and almost eleven in Wyatt's case.  The feelings are still there, they don't leave.

So happy birthday, sweet Eli.  This year you have a special treat.  Mommy baked and frosted the usual chocolate cupcakes but your three older sisters decorated them and they are spectacular.

How Could I?

Not recognize Eli's birthday in a sea of dates  months and months ago?  I am currently the leader of my daughters' school PTO which is an exhausting volunteer commitment but one that I undertook voluntarily so I've really given it my all.  So much so, that it only occurred to me a few weeks ago that this month's meeting date falls on Eli's birthday.

I panicked.  I mean seriously.  I had marked these dates on the calendar in August.  Last month I typed it onto the February agenda.  How could I not have put two and two together during all of those months and all of the times I looked at that date?  To that I am speechless.  It's not like I forgot his birthday was coming up.  Of course when I finally added it up it was too late to move the meeting date which only increased my panic since it's a fairly important meeting that I wanted to attend.

But, I do very little on my son's birthdays.  Those are my special days to fill with memories and as much peace as I can garner.  I bake, frost cupcakes, buy balloons, make a special meal and then pack it all up, four kids included, and we take it out to the grave site where we eat, blow bubbles, remember and make wishes as the balloons float away.  That's it.  That is all those days are about to me.  I will not be attending this months' meeting, I'm making it work and that will have to be okay.  I just still can't believe that day didn't scream to me louder than all the other thoughts bouncing around in my head.