Three Years

Yesterday we celebrated our youngest daughter's three year birthday. It is hard as a mother to pass a birthday without conjuring images of that child's day of birth. The first moments of sound, touch, smell. My husband and I reminisced about how much we enjoy having our children. Hospital food, though less tasty than what we cook at home, is a treat. Having someone bring us a plate of ready to eat food that we got to choose from a menu without having to glance at prices is awesome. Even better is that the food is just as swiftly taken away. The baby bassinet hovers nearby my bed though our babies rarely stray from my arms during their hospital stay. I love watching my husband manage with the first few diaper changes until I am ready to get out of bed after the c-section. Babies sleep right next to me all night long in the bed, ready for snuggles and nursing. I even enjoy establishing that nursing relationship, though rocky and painful at times, it is a process of getting to know that particular child and her mannerisms. I love those middle of the night nursings when I turn on the tv just for some light and company while we figure it all out and every now and then a nurse stops by with a snack or some water and it's just all so easy. I couldn't hold off the pain yesterday when I realized I was there five months ago to the day. I had that baby in my arms and too quickly he slipped away. My hospital stay included none of these warm fuzzy memories and that makes me a little angry. I have nowhere or no one to direct that anger at though so I have to just let it pass through but those visions of babies keep dancing in my head.